“Show, don’t tell.”—an exception to another rule I try to live by: “Avoid clichés.” So it only seems right I leave the bio for last and start with some of my work.

Here are the first four chapters of my novella Fuck The Pope But Use A Condom, in which a charismatic con man recounts how he turned a young pianist’s sexual confessions into a breakout play. There is also a short story about a man who thinks he takes quite strongly after Alexander the Great, and a sermon on sauna etiquette.

Many years ago, my Italian friend Tommaso cooked me a delicious risotto. “Blowjob Risotto,” he called it. “Because if you make this for your date,” he explained, “she will …” His terminology inspired bjotto, a risotto mix portioned for two—perfect for date night.

Elsewhere: a few golf articles and some ads.

In this brief puff, I’ve been a golf instructor, an olive picker, a lecturer, a dog sitter, a bartender, and various shades of digital overlord. Nowadays, if you corner me at a party, I’m a “writer and designer”, but what I’d really like to say is, “A bit this, a bit of that.” Or, “Following my fancies.” Or, if it’s past 2 a.m., and the light is just right, “Afloat in a sea of relativity.”

“He knows not where he’s going,
For the ocean will decide,
It’s not the destination,
It’s the glory of the ride.”

If any of this caught you, or you just want to say hi: hey@johnnynuda.com, or @johnnynuda on X.

I’m in Cape Town, should you ever find yourself down here.

— Johann