Ad Nauseam

In defense of the best and the banal of advertising. by Johann Naudé
Times Square at night, ablaze with illuminated billboards and crowds.

I must admit, the idea of writing in defense of advertising makes the shadow of my 20-year-old self groan. He wants me to delete this page and disavow any and all associations with an industry which he thinks is manipulative and intrusive and replete with ugly fonts and cartoonish color schemes.

My current self, meanwhile, says he should grow the fuck up.

Advertising is nothing but a tool, he explains. Just like novels. And films. And bombs. And hammers. And ice trays. All objects, physical or abstract, that can be used for good or ill or some wicked combination of the two. (Don’t believe me about ice trays? Wait till you get hit over the head with one, as I have.I suppose ice trays can also be used to the detriment of society.)

Denouncing advertising or any other medium wholesale—perhaps with the exception of Agent Orange, slavery, caramel vodka, and overly manicured beards—is unjustified.

Take these ads, for instance. I don’t know about you, but I don’t mind them intruding on my day.

Burger King billboard wrapped down the side of a building reading 'Why eat with a clown while you can dine with a king?'
Awareness ad: a glum middle-aged man sits alone on a train while the passengers around him chat and smile. Text reads 'This is Steffen. Steffen has depression. Depression isn't as obvious as it seems.'
Grammarly ad reading '“Let's eat Grandma.”' with the missing comma highlighted, beneath the line 'One comma makes all the difference.'
Volkswagen ad showing a scruffy, near-hairless dog on grass with the line 'It's a dog. Technically.' and 'Non-genuine parts work. Technically. Rather choose Volkswagen Genuine Parts.'
Female Tribes pay-gap ad with bold type spelling 'Fill your purse' (missing letter portions filled in pink) above 'Taking away 25% is offensive… close the pay gap.'
Detour Sunglasses billboard against a blue sky reading 'We want to sit on your face. (respectfully)' above sunglasses reflecting a sunset.
Construction-recruitment ad wrapping a building under scaffolding: 'Hey ChatGPT, finish this building… Your skills are irreplaceable. IMPACT.'
Ricola cough-drop ad on a yellow background reading '“You (cough) look good”' with the line 'Make sure good news sounds like good news.'
The Weather Network ad on a yellow background in bold black type: 'Written, produced and directed by God.'
Dog trainer's poster in white serif type on black: 'After just a few visits with me, my clients do their business elsewhere. Luis Gomez, Master Dog Trainer.'
World No Tobacco Day ad: rows of white crosses in a military cemetery with the words 'non smoking area.'
Subway ad for a Bible app styled as a customer review: 'Zero stars. Would not recommend. — Satan.'

Or this Gwyneth Paltrow spot a data tech company put out after its CEO got caught on a kiss-cam with his side piece (at a Coldplay concert, no less).

I’m not currently on the hunt for a data tech company, but if I ever am, Astronomer will be the first one I look into. I like my data tech companies to display a robust sense of humor, especially under fire.

These are the finest kind of ads—ads worth experiencing for their own sake.

I’ve come to appreciate this kind of ad to the extent that I’ve even tried making a few myself, including an AI commercial (Kling 3.0 + ElevenLabs) to channel my Larry David–level annoyance at dog owners who look the other way when their best friends take a shit.

Tinder ad on a red-to-orange gradient background with the headline 'Hinge wants you to delete their app. You should probably listen to them.'
Honda Odyssey ad showing a brown Honda Odyssey minivan on a white background with the headline 'Like my love handles?' and tagline 'The Honda Odyssey. Comfortable in its own skin.'
Man in Jamaican track uniform in bedroom with headline 'THE QUICKEST MAN ALIVE' and tagline 'Durex Performa. Makes you last longer.'
OptiCare spec ad—a man ignores his dog's poop in a park; an old lady yells, 'Hey, asshole! Pick up your dog shit!'
BetterHelp ad showing a young woman standing on a city street at sunset with headline 'Depression doesn't have office hours.' and tagline 'Online therapy at anytime, from anywhere. BetterHelp.'
Naked Insurance ad on a solid green background with the headline 'Mom wants you to get Naked.' and tagline 'Instant online insurance. No calls. No hassle.'
Amazon Kindle ad showing an older man with glasses and an umbrella sitting on a bench or waiting area looking sad with the headline 'Tony left his library at home.' and tagline 'Thousands of books. One device.'
Durex ad on a blue background with the headline 'Life is short. Sex doesn't have to be.' and tagline 'Durex Performa. Makes sex last longer.'
Dyson ad showing a 300-foot tall vacuum cleaner clearing debris from a desert highway.

I suspect most people don’t mind the upper crust of advertising. It’s everything below it that can cause us to throw our hands up in frustration when the dreamy ASMRtist whispering sweet nothings to us through the screen gets interrupted by a toothpaste advert. And this is where I think some allowances need to be made.

For one, ad money keeps the lights on. Most platforms wouldn’t be able to survive without it. YouTube definitely couldn’t. Storing video, it turns out, is very expensive.

Ad money also attracts and enables creators. Do you think that doe-eyed ASMRtist is massaging a mannequin solely out of the goodness of her heart? Of course not. She also wants to fund her matcha habit.

Many platforms now let you pay your way out of ads, but the uptake’s too thin to keep the party going, and billions of people couldn’t get on board even if they wanted to. But let’s say they could, and everyone would, and ads disappeared overnight. Would that be ideal? Though I find a lot about this attractive, and would go there most of the way, I doubt it.

I’ve already said the best ads are enriching and worth having around for their own sake (assuming they’re not peddling bullshit), but I believe there’s also room for the more banal-but-benign kind, for the simple reason that they’re incredibly useful to the person who needs what’s being sold. I may not be interested in a “sturdy 4-in-1 folding commode” (yet), but my elderly neighbor might be. And vice versa.

We already put up with the banal-but-benign in a sphere that, looked at closely, isn’t all that different: the people we have to deal with in public. Every time we step outside—on the street or online—we’re all advertising ourselves to some degree. How we dress. How we talk. What we drive. What we write and don’t write. Consciously or not, we’re all selling what we’re about (or pretend to be about), in the hope that, like a company taking out an ad, we’ll connect with the right people.

And that’s a good thing. When what you’re selling—and how you’re selling it—isn’t a net negative on the buyer and society. The Ted Bundys and Bernie Madoffs of self-advertisement should be kept out. But we very much want the future husband or wife, the ethical surgeon, the stranger who becomes a friend—we want them to find us, and us them. And the cost of leaving that door open is having to put up with a few bores.

I think I can live with that.

* I suppose ice trays can also be used to the detriment of society.

Photo by Joe Yates